Question: My husband often says very hurtful things to me and doesn’t pay attention to what I’m saying. He usually apologizes later, saying he didn’t mean to be hurtful, but it’s hard to be forgiving. Why is he like this?
Dr. Amen's Answer:
When your brain works right, you tend to be thoughtful, loving, consistent, and reliable — all necessary ingredients for great relationships. When the brain is troubled, people tend to be angry, inattentive, moody, and unreliable — all things that undermine relationships.
Undetected brain problems sabotage your ability to relate to and to love others. This is true in all types of relationships, such as between lovers, parents and children, employers and employees, and friends. Issues such as attention deficit disorder (ADD), anxiety, depression, obsessive tendencies, brain trauma, toxic exposure, and even early Alzheimer’s disease all seriously sabotage your relationships.
For example, if a man has ADD, which generally is associated with low activity in the front part of the brain, he is more likely to have trouble controlling his behavior, and he might say the first thought that comes into his head. In one study, 75 percent of people with untreated ADD had relationship problems. Why? Think about it. Is it helpful for you to say everything you think in your marriage? Of course not! Relationships require tact. They require forethought. But when you have low activity in the front part of the brain, you often say the first thing that comes into your mind, which can get you into big trouble. One of my colleagues often says that “no forethought equals no foreplay.” I’m not saying this is your husband’s problem, but you may encourage him to see a therapist. Getting help can make your relationships much better.
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