Question: My wife holds grudges and brings up things I did 20 years ago that made her mad. Why can't she let go of those things?
Dr. Amen's answer:
We have scanned more than 500 couples and have found that when couples have chronic relationship problems, it may be a sign of underlying brain dysfunction. We scanned one couple — Bob and Betsy — who fought constantly. Betsy had a Ph.D. in grudge holding. She still talked about the same things that upset her from 15 years ago.
When we scanned this couple's brains, we found that Betsy's scan showed marked increased activity in a part of the brain called the anterior cingulate gyrus. I call the anterior cingulate the brain's gear shifter, allowing you to go from idea to idea and task to task. When it is overactive, people tend to get stuck on negative thoughts or negative behaviors, such as worrying or holding grudges. Just by chance, the night before her scan I read an article in the American Journal of Psychiatry that reported that certain antidepressant medicines calm
down this part of the brain, so I put Betsy on one, and it worked.
Medication isn't the only way to treat problems with this area of the brain. Behavioral therapy, in which you change your thinking patterns, has been shown to normalize abnormal activity in the brain. Of course, you should always talk with your doctor first.
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